June 30, 2024
Journal Entry-this week I'm just posting my journal entry. Some of it is a little bit personal (sorry).
So early this week, the sickness and cough did not get a lot
better. I couldn’t sleep at night and
was just dragging all the time. I finally
went to Insta Care on Thursday and was told I had a post-viral cough that had
settled in my lungs—like bronchitis. They gave me an inhaler to expand the lung
capacity so I could get rid of the junk out of my lungs. It worked magic over the next 24 hours and I finally
was able to sleep at night. But I was
still tired and today (Sunday) is the first day I’ve felt almost totally
better. Just a little cough and a little
head congestion still, but sooo much better.
They said at the clinic that this was a 10-14 day virus and a lot of people
were affected. Sister Badger had it for a couple of weeks before we went to
Valdez.
So this week was pretty much a total write-off for doing much
of our job. Carolee kept way busy, while
I slept. We got to FHE for part of it, and went to the Institute Bldg on Tuesday and
Class on Thursday night. But I wasn’t
myself and felt a little discombobulated.
Today at church was better and we had a big group there. there was a linger longer after using the
food from a two-ward YSA campout where they planned for 120 and only 40 showed
up. So left-over hamburgers, chips for
all. And YSAs love free food! And good
company!
This is a beautiful valley up Hatcher's Pass where we went on our side by side winter adventure on my birthday.
Now, the last couple of months, I have not been totally myself.
I think my self-confidence is still bruised a bit because of my nose cancer surgery and the subsequent other issues it has caused. It is not healing up as it should and is
still bleeding in several spots. The “I had skin cancer” answer I give to people,
relieves a lot of scrutiny, but now I have no idea who knows and who doesn’t
know. I still see people staring, and
when I’m doing my thing, I just don’t feel the confidence I had before. I
thought that a month later it would be a lot better. This has been going on since the biopsy on
May 2nd. I have had a bandage
and inflammation on my nose since then.
It kind of makes me crazy. And I
hate talking about it too because I don’t like that kind of attention. So, I have been in this internal war in my
brain: “what happened to his nose?” “It
doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks… Christ should be the source of your
self-confidence. Nothing else nor anyone
else matters!” But that is easier to say
to myself than it is to believe it and act that way. I am a good actor sometimes, so I don’t think
anyone else but Carolee would know how it affects me, and she is so part of me
that she just doesn’t see it. She doesn’t
even see if I’ve walked out of the house into public without a bandage on my
nose. If only we were all that way…just
not seeing anything but the person that you love. This issue isn’t new as I’ve battled nose
diseases my entire adult life.
But then, as we pulled up to Institute on Thursday night, I had
the most interesting thought. I heard me say to myself in my best coach-speech,
motivational behavior talk, “Ok Elder Cox, it’s time, get your game face on and
lets go to work”. And all of a sudden, I
knew that what I have been doing since I got here was really what I was here to
do! Its like I knew it, but it was as if it were clarified for me in my mind,
kind of like a stroke of intelligence or light or revelation. And this is what I do: I talk to people,
mostly YSAs, make relationships, build them up, be positive with them, laugh
with them, ask them questions, learn about them and let them talk of their
plans and dreams, listen to them, talk
to them in small groups, work the room, introduce kids to each other, find the
lonely, help them feel confident about themselves, listen to them, be a
sounding board, give my feedback and opinion, bear my testimony, share life
lessons with my stories, listen to them and LOVE them. Me, being able to do this, I believe is a gift or a
talent that I have developed and worked hard at over the years, in business
settings, in Church settings and family settings. It is hard for me to do, because that is not
how my personality is naturally, but I know from whence the gift/talent came
and it has benefitted both me and others I’m convinced.
Sure, I/we do other things too:
we invite them to participate, we feed them,
we help the Institute teachers manage the classes, we plan activities with the
Institute Council, we go to the temple with them, but mostly we are there with
them.
The investment of, or sacrifice of
time is critical in relationships.
Some
of them don’t need us, some don’t notice us but somehow, (we know how) we
intersect in their lives when they need it.
All of this interaction is either one-on-one, in small groups, in front
of a class, participating in a class, at activities, etc.
during the which, I am in close physical
proximity to them.
And that proximity is
what has hindered me for the last couple of months.
As we’ve now entered the last 3 months of our mission, I’ve been
pondering if there is something else, we need to be doing. Now I know.
I will keep doing what I’ve been sent here to do, let the bandage be
damned (as in cease to progress or have an effect 😊).
And now that I am feeling close to 100%, it’s time to not
hold back and work the room with the confidence in Christ that he will uphold
me. It feels good to feel good physically
again and to feel that motivation again.
Have I wasted two months of my mission? Absolutely not! I think it has been a lesson
that I needed to learn or re-learn. It’s
not like I just stopped doing my job, I just felt self-conscious and down on
myself. And last night, I again felt the
confirmation of the spirit giving me additional assurance that we are where we
need to be, doing what we need to be doing and accomplishing what He has asked
us to do.
We love you all who read this, hope you have a
great week!
